


The Great Gummi Incident

by HeartOfAspen, sarena



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, F/M, Gummi Bears, Medical Procedures, Vodka
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 11:20:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14747849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeartOfAspen/pseuds/HeartOfAspen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarena/pseuds/sarena
Summary: The night two sober women had a weird conversation... vodka, gummi bears... 'nuff said.





	The Great Gummi Incident

**Author's Note:**

> The authors would like to add that they aren't into urethral play. Lol. 
> 
> And we also would prefer to not get sued, so...  
> Disclaimer: All rights belong to JK Rowling and her publishers. We just borrow the characters and the world for a bit; the plot (as little as there is) is ours, though. This is a non-profit work, and no copyright infringement is intended.

Draco impatiently tried to keep himself occupied while Hermione was readying herself for their evening out in the other room, reminding himself that other women usually took far longer than she did to make themselves presentable.

He wandered into the kitchen of her flat, trying to zen in on his patience. All the while, his eyes scanned the cabinets, his attention landing on the far counter, where a collection of liquors were displayed. There were bottles filled with red, bitter liquor, and one minty green and sweet. The one with the blue liquid... well, Hermione had shown him what could be made from that when added with orange juice. He had slurped it straight out out of her navel one night.

There was also the all-encompassing tequila, which was rather a favorite of his.

A night of tequila was actually how he and Hermione had reconnected...

One evening, while he had been out with Blaise and Theo, he had run into Granger at a bar. She had been a couple shots in, and was feeling uninhibited. One thing had led to another, and before he even registered what was happening, he was licking salt off of her collarbone before taking a tequila shot tasting a lime. After a few repeats of sucking on her erogenous zone, she was hornier than a erumpent in heat.

The next time they had gone out, she had introduced him to a Muggle specialty called vodka, which turned out not to be a favorite with him. He thought it was vile, but he also used to think that of firewhiskey. Liquor also always unwound her, and she was usually up for just about anything.

Vodka also had one other huge advantage: it hardly smelled and went with almost anything. He looked at the bottle and noticed a weird, reddish clump at the bottom.

He opened the bottle and sniffed delicately. It smelled sweet. He liked sweet.

"What are you doing? I thought you were ready?" Hermione queried, entering the room.

"I'm trying to figure out what this thing stuck to the bottom of your vodka bottle is, since you were taking forever," he whinged.

Hermione thought that was dreadfully unfair; she had only taken twenty minutes, tops.

"Give me the bottle," she said and tried to grab it. He was faster, of course, due to his Seeker reflexes.

"After all that waiting, surely a little longer won't hurt," he teased, holding the bottle beyond arm's reach.

"Come off it, Draco, it wasn't even that long!" she protested.

"It was forever-"

"Was not!"

"Honestly, Granger, are you really going to resort to such childish comebacks?"

"Are you really going to resort to holding my vodka hostage?" she retorted.

"That remains to be seen," he only answered enigmatically, eyes glittering.

.

Three hours later, the duo was sprawled across Hermione's living room, draped over one another. The vodka bottle was nearly empty, and gummi bears from Hermione's cupboard were haphazardly strewn all over the coffee table. She had insisted they went well with vodka, and needed to have them.

One was currently nudged into her navel but Draco would rectify that soon. As soon as he could, he would fill her belly button with a bit of the gummi vodka. He giggled to himself. Hermione's torso was sticky from the sweet concoction. Even he could not lick it all off, but that would not distract him from his goal.

With her shirt bunched up around her neck and her bra halfway unclasped, she shakily attempted to sit up. The gummi bear remained stuck in her belly button as she used the couch for support. Slurring her words, she asked, "Why are you always licking things off of my stomach?"

He pressed his face into it, and said something completely unintelligible.

With his stifled murmurs landing directly somewhere around her midriff, there was no way she could understand him. Her hazy vision flickered back to the coffee table, where more gummies were strewn. Picking up a green one, she glanced down at her stomach, where the red one he had put there peeked out. She giggled, turning the gummi bear around and kneading it lightly between her fingers.

Draco smooched a kiss just above her belly button when he came up for some air. His eyes flickered up to her - he had an adorable squint when he was tipsy - and then he licked a thin line to her navel before drawing a careful circle around it with his tongue. Hermione could not suppress her moans anymore and she drunkenly wondered why they weren't naked yet.

Raking her hand through his hair, the strands caught between her sticky fingers. Draco hummed against her skin and then, finally, sucked the gummi bear and the vodka out of her navel before he put his cheek on her belly.

"Truth is, Granger-babe..." he started, stroking his hand over her side.

She pushed the gummi bear between his lips before he could finish.

It was a testament to how inebriated he was, when this did not even startle him. He chewed on it and in an unprecedented act of savagery - Hermione could positively visualize Narcissa's outrage - he continued without swallowing, "Truth is, babe, your navel is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

He nuzzled his face just a bit more into her belly and closed his eyes. Hermione smiled and ran her hand over his stubble.

"You and your fetishes," she answered, as he leaned in to caress her soft skin again.

"What?" he slurred, looking up at her through bleary eyes. "Like you don't have any fetishes?"

"Well..." she faltered.

He sat up straight (or as straight as he could with how drunk he was). In as commanding a voice as he could muster, he demanded, "Tell me."

"It's kind of a weird one though," she protested.

His eyes flashed and he insisted, "I want to know."

She leaned in close to whisper it in his ear, despite that no one else occupied her flat except for Crookshanks, and therefore they would not have been overheard even if she had shouted it. But Hermione had drank an awful lot of vodka by this point, so she was not thinking logically about such things.

He sat up, startled at the thought she had just whispered to him, and gaped at her.

"I told you it was weird!" she moaned, hiding her face.

But Draco looked her dead in the eye and intoned, "I want to try it."

"Malfoy, you don't have-"

"I want. To try it."

He looked so serious, she faltered. Then, hesitatingly, she acquiesced, "Okay..."

.

Another three hours later, the duo found themselves on the receiving end of some Sober-Up Charms, courtesy of the Healers at St Mungo's.

"Please tell me the nature of your complaint again, Mr Malfoy," encouraged the no-nonsense mediwitch with the clipboard.

"It's stuck. And it hurts. And you need to get it out _now_!"

"Mr. Malfoy, how it Merlin's name-"

A hectic wave with one of hands made the mediwitch stop mid-sentence before narrowing her eyes at Hermione.

“Very well,” was all the witch said. “Come along.”

The removal procedure looked quite painful, Hermione thought. She had thought Malfoy might like some privacy for it, but as it was technically her fault, she remained with him while the Healers applied some numbing cream to his family jewels. She even held his hand for the extraction.

"Congratulations, Mr. Malfoy," the head Healer smirked as he held up a red gummi bear with a pair of tweezers, "the delivery was successful."

"Get that thing away from me," Draco growled.

Afterward, Hermione helped Draco get ready to leave, sitting beside him while he filled out his discharge paperwork. She could not believe that she had suggested what she had - and moreso, that Draco had actually gone through with it!

The doctor smirked at the pair of them.

"I don't want to feel the need to remind you of your obligation to keep your patient's identity and issues confidential," Hermione said coolly. Twirling her wand between her fingers, she added, "But I _would_ like to remind you of my role in the Second Wizarding War. Just in case you've forgotten.”

The Healer scrambled the signed paperwork towards himself and swallowed. He nodded once, his knowing smile gone, and opened the door for them. They left without another word.

On their way to the apparition point, Hermione could not bear the silence between her and Draco anymore. “I _told_ you that it was-"

"Not a word, Granger." Then he smirked a little and pulled her to himself before whispering in her ear, "Maybe somewhere sells smaller gummi bears?"

Hermione could only stare at him as her mouth fell open. She spluttered, "Wh-what?"

"Mm, and I would very much like to stick something in _there_ , too..." he added lasciviously.

She shut her mouth with a snap. Her mind wandered to the thought of the lovely pink contraption she had seen at Ginny's hen party at the sex store.

Something of her realization must have shown on her face, because Draco leaned in to nuzzle her neck, whispering in her ear, "Are you free tomorrow night?"

"Very."

FIN


End file.
